Wanting More than Just Validation?

When clients tell me they want actionable steps rather than just validation, I understand that desire for concrete progress. It’s difficult to sit with uncomfortable feelings and to see the life that you would like and feel limited by the life you currently live. There can also be the fear that if it’s not happening right now, it will never happen, and that can cause some people to get caught up in a cycle of intense effort and then burning out, rather than focusing on sustained effort over long periods of time. 

But that’s a tangent for another article, back to why validation plays a crucial role in creating lasting change.

The Role of Validation

Validation helps to build the foundation first, and we need to establish a relationship built on trust and understanding to explore the delicate aspects of your life. This may include the following:  

• Creating a space where you feel safe to be honest about your experiences, energy levels, and readiness for change

• Acknowledging that both you and I will make mistakes along the way

• Recognizing that your current situation didn't develop overnight, and sustainable change takes time (remember the 90/10 rule) 

• The goals you set out for yourself might change over time and that’s ok. 

Using validation develops self-awareness, helping you distinguish between helpful and unhelpful patterns. It builds emotional resilience by allowing you to fully process difficult experiences. It creates a foundation of self-compassion, which is essential for lasting change. Validation is one of many therapeutic ingredients that can be beneficial but just like a good salad, therapy is best with a variety of ingredients. 

The Source of Motivation for Change

So now that I have articulated why validation is beneficial, let’s talk about feedback and creating healthy sustainable change. I’ve heard clients say “I don’t want to be told I am good enough, just as I am. I want actionable steps to get out of this misery.” 

And I understand that, personally and deeply. However it is important to have clarity about where the source of motivation is coming from and move:

From wanting to destroy yourself to create something else which is:

• Motivation driven by self-criticism and anxiety

• Actions based on proving your worth

• Pursuing perfection to feel lovable

• Trying to eliminate all pain and discomfort

To wanting to love who you are and who you are becoming which is:

• Motivation driven by self-compassion and curiosity

• Actions based on personal growth and curiosity 

• Embracing vulnerability and connection

• Engaging more fully with life's experiences

The source of your motivation is important because having the right foundation can develop resiliency to overcome obstacles, self compassion to soothe you when you’re down, and it can reduce negative side effects for ill placed motivation like perfectionism, proving, or preforming. Motivation from these sources have negative side effects such as difficulty with being vulnerable, creating authentic connections, feeling a sense of belonging, never feeling satisfied, never feeling enough, issues with comparison and judgement. It is important for you to have a variety of tools for motivation AND tools that don’t embed splinters in your hands each time you use it. 

Most importantly, we work toward holding two truths simultaneously: you are completely lovable as you are right now, AND you can be curious and compassionate about who you are becoming.

This approach isn't about pushing away the current you to create a 'better' version. Instead, it's about expanding your capacity for life from a foundation of self-acceptance and understanding.

Validation isn't just comfort – it's the groundwork that makes meaningful change possible.